


There's Always Sunshine in Numazu

by wahueue



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Comedy, Crack, I apologize in advance, Multi, My First Fanfic, Swearing, but they're doing it anyways!, it's mostly an excuse so they can have a clubroom, the idol things aren't really touched upon here, the school isn't closing down
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2019-10-13 08:49:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17484980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wahueue/pseuds/wahueue
Summary: What happens when you take a group of nine morally inept insufferable gay kids, put them in the same club, in the same school, in the same city, and expect them to get along?Well, you get Aqours, the resident idol club of Uranohoshi Girls' High School.Join them as they ruin everything good about Numazu.Uploaded 1/20/2019





	1. The Girls Commit Animal Abuse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Riko finds a hare. The girls decide to take it in, but Dia believes it should remain in the wild.

**3:44 PM - Tuesday - Uranohoshi Girls' High School - Numazu, Shizuoka Prefecture**

It was a nice afternoon in Numazu.

The girls, per usual, were in the "School Idol Culb", as Chika wrote it, doing different things, like all regular humans do. Chika was showing Hanamaru the magic of the Internet; specifically, showing her what a "YouTube video" was. Ruby was there too, but she was just curious. Kanan was being the mom again, making sure they weren't looking at anything bad.

Mari was telling You and a half-interested Yoshiko about her classic car collection, or some shit like that. She'd often discuss her collection, which only You, Yoshiko, and Hanamaru really cared about.

Yoshiko was more interested in the noose she was tying. It wasn't for anything bad, though. Just decoration, since Halloween never ends. She usually didn't do this Halloween stuff, so everyone assumed it was just one of those days. Meanwhile, Dia had just walked in.

"Yoshiko, take that down. It's offensive." Dia had a cup of tea, and she wasn't too glad that Yoshiko was duct-taping another noose to the ceiling.

The all-powerful Yohane, on the other hand, disagreed. "Shut the fuck up, loser. It's Halloween." Dia just frowned and looked at Yoshiko with contempt.

"Hey." Riko walked in with a box. Everyone looked up for half a second. "Hi, Riko." Then they went back to what they were doing. Except, y'know, Mari.

"What's in that box?" Mari leaned on a wall. Riko just ignored her. Riko never ignored anyone. Now the girls were pretty curious.

"If it's a dog dildo or some shit-" Mari was about to keep going, but Riko just glared at her. She kept going anyways. "I mean, if it is, you could just hand it to me right now. I fucked a twig once." Mari was the type to never really care about what she got off to, as long as she liked it.

Riko put the box on the table, and Yoshiko darted forwards and opened it. Everyone then looked in, as Riko wondered why everyone was so fucking rude today. Wait. Nevermind. They were always like this.

In the box was a bit of dirt, dead grass, leaves, and an apple core.

Oh, and a grayish-brown Japanese hare.

The girls paused to think about what they just saw. Riko put her hands behind her back and smiled nervously. "I mean, I can explain, if you want."

* * *

It was 10 PM on a Monday, and Riko had a few hundred yen ready. She told her mom she was going to get things for a project. Truth be told, she was; she was just gonna get some "books", too (read: doujinshi). She took the bus out to the city, got her stuff, got her  _other_ stuff, and stood at a bus stop, waiting for her public-access ride home.

"Wait. What the fuck is that?"

There was a hare out on the other side of the road. It was just kind of there, waiting for a car to come down the road and hit it.

Riko looked around, and got up. No traffic. Good. She speed-walked across the road, picked up the hare, and speed-walked back. She hid the hare in a box and got on her bus.

When she got home, she put it in her room and gave it an apple core. The next morning, she woke up early, got a few handfuls of grass and leaves, threw it in the box with the hare, and went to school.

* * *

"Wow." Chika smiled over the fantastically boring story Riko just told.

"I'm sorry if I did anything bad." Riko looked at the hare. It looked right up at her, with some grass in its mouth.

"Don't worry, Riko-chan!" You had a somewhat caring smile. Kanan nodded. "You did the right thing, y'know? I'm proud of you." Ruby and Hanamaru were fawning over how cute it looked. Mari, on the other hand, had a really cheeky smile. "I knew it. You're a furry."

"Put it back where you found it."

You didn't have to guess who said that.

Everyone looked at Dia with moderate surprise and a spectacular amount of disappointment, since Dia was the type to go against everything fun.

"Dia! We had something good going there!" Chika whined, like she usually does.

Dia just gave her a stern look. "I know we did. We actually got along as a group for once. But hares aren't made to be cared for by humans. They're wild animals, not rabbits."

Dia slowly walked back and forth for a bit. "They eat grass and leaves, not apples and carrots. That hare is out by tomorrow. Good day." The brunet calmly (and smugly) strode out of the room. She then came back in, took her tea with her, and quickly exited.

"Well," Yoshiko got back on the step ladder and began tying another noose. "Halloween never stops!"

"Yoshiko, you've already put six of those up there." Kanan looked at Yoshiko with heavy disappointment. Yoshiko just ignored her.

* * *

Dia was in her zone, if you will.

She was quietly looking over council papers. Budgets, club submissions, problems at the school. They would discuss these at the next council debate. The door opened.

"Honey, we need to talk." Kanan and Mari came in, Mari's voice completely disrupting her. "And before you say that you're not my wife, you are in my heart." The blonde did this really cute yet mildly suggestive wink. Dia rolled her eyes and coughed.

"Dia, why were you so bitter to the kids earlier?" Kanan leaned forwards on Dia's desk. Dia didn't budge. "It's a wild animal. She can't keep it as a pet. That's all." Dia looked at the two girls in front of her, who looked at each other.

"You're lying, Dia." Mari sat down and gave her a mildly disturbing stare; eyes wide open, no blinking, no movement.

Dia cocked her head sideways. "What'd make you think that?"

She was scratching her beauty mark.

"You're doing it again." Kanan had a smug grin going. Dia quietly grumbled. "You're really bad at hiding that." Dia just sighed deeply, picked up her cup of tea, and slightly leaned back into her chair.

"When Ruby was younger, she had this bird, I forget which species of bird. But she would always keep this box of birdseed outside, and that same bird would always fly in. And we'd just watch as it ate birdseed and looked at us." Dia paused for a bit to sip her tea. "Then, one day, we walked over, and there the bird was."

Kanan was really into this story. "Dead?"

"No." Dia shook her head and sipped some more tea. "It was mating with another bird. Like, right on the birdseed. And we were kids, too, so we were just watching this happen. I didn't even know birds did it like that. I still don't believe it."

Now Mari was really into this story. "How long did it take?" Dia thought for a bit. "Like, an hour. They kept going. Then they finished, and they both flew away. I had to tell Ruby that they were just playing. Then she tackled someone at school."

"Excuse me if you will, Dia." Kanan leaned in a chair. "What does this have to do with Riko?"

"I'm not done. You see, the bird came back a few times, but at the front of the house." Dia finished her tea. "One day, we were outside. We saw the bird and all that."

"Then?" Kanan really liked it when Dia and Mari discussed their childhood. Mari was eating a sugar cube.

Dia poured herself some more tea, dropped a sugar cube in, and embraced the tea's warmth for a bit before continuing.

"Then it flew away and got hit by a truck."

"Oh."

Dia sipped her tea and sighed. "There were feathers everywhere. I still have some of them. That's why I don't own a pet."

A fantastic story, Kanan thought, but no purpose. "Once again, what does this have to do with Riko?"

Dia straightened herself to look more formal, if she was somehow any less. "I just don't want her to go through losing it. That's all." Kanan decided that was probably enough death-related shit for today, and didn't go further.

Dia stirred her tea. "Now, I'll be going back to the clubroom before you two try and fuck me." Dia put her tea on her desk, got up, and walked over to the clubroom, Mari and Kanan following.

* * *

The rest of the girls were in a mildly-heated debate over whether buses were ground planes, road trains, or just dirty, spacious limousines. Chika was lying face-down on the floor. Ruby was sound asleep. All the nooses were gone. The third years walked in.

"Hey, kids." Mari almost tripped over Chika's corpse. "Hey, Chika." Kanan looked down at her childhood friend, lying face-down on the ground with nobody giving a shit. "Why is...?"

"It's a complex story." You looked over at the third years. "Wanna hear it?" The entire room fell silent. Nobody said anything for half a minute.

"Well, Chika OD'ed on half a box of orange Tic-Tacs before trying to eat pumpkin guts from Yoshiko's pumpkin. She failed, since Yoshiko hadn't even cut into it yet, so she just fell to the ground, screeched for a bit, and stopped moving." You kept a straight face through that whole thing; pretty impressive for anyone else, but this is Chika Takami she was talking about. "Mind waking her up, Mari?"

Mari nodded and squatted down, her mouth extremely close to Chika's ear. "Chika," the blonde whispered softly, much like a caring mother. "Wake the fuck up. Honoka Kousaka's here, and she's gonna give you every single type of prolapse simultaneously if you don't get up in five seconds."

Then she began yelling, causing Ruby to wake up with a jolt. "FIVE. FOUR. THREE."

Chika immediately sprung to life like a jack-in-the-box with a knife taped to it that plays a dubstep MIDI, which is something Yoshiko actually owns. Ruby sort of began to cry, then she just went back to sleep. You and Riko were pretty disturbed by that whole prolapse thing. Mari just grinned. "I did it."

"Hey, where's that box with the thing in it?" Dia looked under the table. The box wasn't in the room, and it sure wasn't in the hall, either.

"We threw out the box and let the hare free." Riko paused. Dia smiled at the thought that the girls listened to her for once.

"But not like, out in the wild. We just set it free."

Never-fucking-mind. Dia's mood changed immediately. "You fucking what?"

"Well, WE didn't. Yoshiko did." Riko pointed at the chuuni, who was currently examining her jack-o-lantern. She looked up from her delicate carving of a face with circular eyes, a circular nose, and a massive circular mouth. "What?"

"Yoshiko Tsushima! You let a hare go loose? In MY school?!" Dia stopped for a bit, looked at Mari, and corrected herself. "O-OUR school?!"

"Yeah."

Dia quickly stormed out of the room. She was about to go hunt that wabbit. Wabbit? Hare. Ware? Whatever.

The room was in full silence for a bit, which usually happens when Dia storms off.

"Okay, but seriously?" Mari sat down. "We haven't even mentioned coach buses yet."

"Ooh!" Chika perked up. "What about prison buses? Or school buses?"

And the debate fired up yet again.

* * *

Before they knew it, Dia was back, holding the hare by the ears. "Riko, compromise. Either you're keeping it at home, or I'm throwing it outside."

"That's pretty fuckin' vile, D." Mari had her arms crossed at the door. "Do it. I fucking dare you. Throw that thing out the window. Real far."

"By throwing it outside, I mean I'm kicking it out, Mari." Dia wasn't feeling it. Mari sure was. "You're gonna dropkick it, too? That's pretty inhumane. Chucking it outside is bad enough." Dia, who _very_ likely has anger issues, was also  _very_ sick of this shit.

"Kanan." Dia dropped the hare, letting it hop freely around the clubroom. Kanan looked up from a magazine she had on her. "Yeah?"

"Hold me back."

Dia then violently lunged forth in an attempt to grab Mari and bash her head in. Mari just stood there as Kanan effortlessly held her back. Then she just patted Dia on the head and smiled. So did Kanan, who felt her well-kept hair. A loving relationship for all.

"It's hard to believe these three actually fuck." You had an awkward smile on her face. Yoshiko rested her head on the table. "I know."

Then, Yoshiko looked at the hare.

"Holy shit, it has rabies."

Right after Yoshiko said that, Mari ran over, grabbed the hare by the ears, opened the window, and chucked it outside.

"Hares can't get rabies, zura." Hanamaru knew this information from books. She was right; hares and rabbits are immune to rabies. The hare kind of struggled to get up.

"Oh." Mari was about to go outside to get the hare back, when it died.

Like, it just went limp and died.

It kind of twitched a bit, but then it just stopped moving.

Completely fucking dead.

"...but if they get bit by an animal that HAS rabies, they can die within three to four days." Oh shit!

Everyone grouped up at the window to take a look at the hare's dry-ass remains. You got a bugle from a box of instruments and began playing a flawless rendition of the Last Post and Taps for two minutes and fifteen seconds straight while everyone saluted the hare's corpse.

When You finished, Chika grabbed Yoshiko's jack-o-lantern and ceremonially threw it at the hare's body. The jack-o-lantern shattered on impact with the ground, coating the hare's carcass in pumpkin guts and pieces of the pumpkin's shell, which is technically desecration of a corpse, but whatever.

Dia crossed her arms. "See? Now we have rabies. I expect to see all eight of you at the nearest general hospital." Yoshiko looked unusually triumphant. "Nah. We don't have rabies. Y'know who does, though?"

Everyone looked at Riko, who was going through a strange mix of sadness and intense confusion over the fact that her new pet just got tossed out a window, killed by a disease that lagomorphs usually don't get, and then posthumously desecrated by a pumpkin.

"Ah, well." The blonde skipped away. "This isn't the first time I've accidentally killed an animal." Dia almost spit out her perfectly good tea.

"This isn't the first time you've fucking what?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry if this is awful


	2. The Great Uchiura Blackout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of rain comes in, the power goes out.

**4:09 PM - Thursday - Uranohoshi Girls' High School - Numazu, Shizuoka Prefecture**

"Hi-o! Sorry I took so long!" Chika came back from helping Yoshimi, Itsuki, and Mutsu with something.

The rest of the girls would almost always be talking about various topics with each other, often at the same time, so it'd sound like a crowd until they got down to "business" (read: getting absolutely nothing done for several hours), while moral guardians Dia Kurosawa and Kanan Matsuura would passively-aggressively berate them for getting nothing done for several hours.

And, of course, the day seemed to be like that. Kind of.

"This, right here." Mari was holding Yoshiko, who actually seemed to be appreciating the blonde's existence. "This is my daughter." She then pulled Riko towards her. "This is my other daughter. My adopted one."

On the other side of the room was Kanan and Dia, with their own "daughter", Hanamaru. Ruby was also there, running circles around Dia. The two "parents" looked on as Mari attempted to coax You into joining her "nice legs gamer crew".

"Wait, but Dia and Kanan also have nice legs." Chika wasn't gonna lie on this one. "So does Hanamaru. Sorry, Mari."

Mari just shrugged it off. "I know. They have some nice fuckin' legs. They just aren't cool enough to join my hot gamer crew." Yoshiko nodded. "By the way, Chicken, pick a side."

"I-I don't want to." Chika just wanted to talk, eat mikan, and go home. Mari didn't take this as an answer. "You gotta. It's like American politics. Either you pick a side that's violently narcissistic, or you get cussed out by both."

"Fine." Chika walked over to Mari's side and slightly nudged Riko away. "Sorry Riko, your legs are average."

"I'm sorry?" Riko put her left leg on a chair and pulled her skirt up a bit. "This right here, bitch? You're calling this what?"

Chika smiled. "Average. Shit-average."

"At least it's not yours, Chika." Riko crossed her arms. You and Hanamaru giggled. What an amazing put-down.

But they weren't done yet. "Excuse me, miss. Look at this." Chika was about to pull her skirt up to show her beyond You-level legs, much to Mari's delight, when the power just went the fuck out.

Everyone just kind of stood there in silence, which never really happens with Aqours. Then the first years began screaming, then the second years began screaming, then Mari began screaming, then Kanan left with Dia to get the backup generator, and-

* * *

The kids were still screaming. Mari stopped and sat down because she really wanted to see Chika's legs, but that shit wasn't happening anytime soon because it was almost pitch black both inside and outside the school.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Mari stood up. "Now is a perfect fucking time to demonstrate Kurosawa Night Vision!"

"What?"

Mari picked up Ruby and stared right at her face. Ruby looked up, tears still in her eyes. "Pii."

Seeing Ruby was too cute to even slightly disturb, Mari put her back down and immediately stood on the table. "If it works, Ruby's going to say something!"

"Mari, we can all see you." Yoshiko was setting up her summoning mat. Truth be told, after several minutes of mindless screaming, their eyes had, for the most part, adjusted to the darkness.

"Look, look, look, long story short, the Kurosawas can see really well in the dark." Mari reached into her bag and got out a can of chilled coffee and a flashlight. "Also, just saying, but if Kanan was here right now, I'd be absolutely  _pounding_  her."

"Oh. That's nice." Hanamaru had a book out, and she was bugging Mari for the flashlight. How are you supposed to read about the British Home Guard during the Second World War _without_ a light?

Chika sat down and almost fell out of her seat. "We need something to talk about. Mari!" Chika was patting Mari's shin to get her attention, but she just ignored her. "Shit. Riko!"

Riko also wasn't having it, especially since the orange-head just insulted her personally impressive legs. Chika wanted to make amends, though. Mostly because she was bored.

"Riko, when I said your legs were shit-average, I was kind of lying. When I casually lifted your skirt when we met, I was like 'Damn, that's one hell of an ass,' and I'm serious when I say that what you lack in overall thickness you hella make up for with that bubble-"

"Wait, you what?" Maybe the two hadn't told You  _all_  of the details from that day.

Chika chuckled sheepishly. Riko was bright red. "Yeah. Don't worry though, cause Riko kicked my shit in later."

You just passively-aggressively nodded and continued melancholically looking out the window.

Hey, at least they started a discussion.

* * *

Dia and Kanan were on the roof, under Dia's umbrella. Kanan was looking at her cup of spicy instant noodles. It was uncooked, but it still looked good as hell. Dia was looking at the bright lights of downtown Numazu.

"Hey, uh, Kanan?" Dia looked over at the bluenette, and looked back. "Isn't it kind of suspicious how the rest of the city has their lights, but we don't?"

Kanan looked up from her noodle cup. "Well, I mean, if you look here, the streetlights are off." Kanan leaned on Dia's shoulder. "So it's just out here. Uchiura, Awashima, all that."

The two looked at the contrast between the bright lights of Numazu and the current darkness of the rural communities. It was a mood, one that Dia couldn't place her finger on.

Dia really enjoyed Kanan's company. Not really Mari's, since she was just annoying, but Kanan was really something else. She was nice, caring, smart, and by god, she was hot as hell.

"Hey, uh, K-Kanan..." Dia leaned the umbrella on the roof barrier, and sat down. Before she could finish, Kanan was taking off her tie. Kanan knew what Dia wanted.

"Here you go."

Kanan was holding her tie out to Dia. "Your tie's wet, silly." It was? That meant her uniform was wet, too. Fuck! Wait. _What?_

"Kanan, uh, I wasn't asking for your tie..." Dia slightly blushed. "You want my uniform?" Dia looked away. "Uh, no..."

Oh.

"...You want my wetsuit?"

"Are you playing dumb now, Kanan?"

* * *

Absolute shit was going down in the clubroom.

Mari was telling You, Maru, and Chika (who was under the table) a "cool western story" about an Arizona Ranger with a "rad-ass Colt". Yoshiko was making her sixth attempt to exorcise "all twenty-eight ghost babies" from Ruby. Riko had given up on stopping Yoshiko on her fifth try. She wasn't even doing the exorcism right. Why did she need candles and a summoning mat?

"Holy shit, Mari! Stop!" Yoshiko looked up from her exorcism. "That's just Big Iron!"

"Shut the fuck up!" Mari glared at the chuuni before continuing. Yoshiko just rolled her eyes and tried again. This time, she duct-taped Ruby to the floor.

She picked up a cross, sprinkled a little bit of holy water, and began screeching extremely loudly for half a minute. Other than Ruby quietly cooing, nothing really happened.

Yoshiko lightly tossed her demon manual at the wall. "Fuck."

"By the way, what's taking Kanan and Dia so long?" Riko glanced out the door into the empty, dark gymnasium. "I mean, it's just a power generator. It's not like we actually need it right now, anyways."

Chika rolled out from under the table. "Yeah! We could've just gone home, right? Oh! Or we could've practiced on the roof!"

"Well, I mean, the buses would probably be delayed," You noted, "and it's raining, so the roof is out of the picture, but hey, we could just head up there anyways."

Mari liked the idea of wet clothes. Taking her tactical-grade flashlight, she led the kids up to the roof.

* * *

Mari did a twirl as she made it to the roof. "We're here, bitches!"

And there they were, Kanan and Dia, sound asleep under a black umbrella. Kanan's wetsuit was unzipped, her uniform on the ground next to her, but Dia's uniform was on, with Kanan's tie on her lap.

"Wow, uh, okay." An awkward situation, thought You. Not so much to Mari.

Mari smiled like a cat as she sprung forwards and tucked herself in between the two. Dia woke up, noticed it was Mari, smiled, and went back to sleep.

Yoshiko, meanwhile, noticed some good fuckin' food. "Spicy noodle! Fuck yes!" She nabbed the cup, opened it, let a few drops of rain in, barely swirled the cup, and just began downing the whole thing.

"What the fuck?" Riko was really questioning if today was actually a real thing that was happening. The other girls just didn't question it. They didn't want to. Yoshiko made a shitty choking noise for a bit.

* * *

Kanan woke up and looked around. In front of her was the rest of Aqours, to her left was Dia and Mari, and to the left of the girls was Yoshiko screeching while violently downing a cup of raw spicy instant noodles.  _Her_ cup of spicy instant noodles.

Since there was nothing she could do about it, Kanan just turned onto her side and went back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know that feeling when you have a lot of ideas but you can't find a good way to throw in those ideas?
> 
> yeah
> 
> sorry if this feels rushed


	3. Tokyo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The kids go to the most populous city on Earth for the weekend, which can't be a good thing, but whatever.

**9:29 AM - Saturday - Takami Inn - Numazu, Shizuoka Prefecture**

The kids were at Chika's inn. They were waiting for Mari, who was probably picking up Kanan and Dia.

They were all heading to Tokyo, or as Mari called it, "Manhattan with Asians". No actual reason, they were just going there. Every American young adult's wildest dream.

"Jail, motherfucker, jail!"

To pass time, the kids (except Ruby) were playing Monopoly.

They were discussing various important topics while they were at it, such as which political side in Japan was worse (Japanese politics determined to be virtually nonexistent), who in Saint Snow is hotter (classified as a touchy topic, though it doesn't really matter because there's only two of them anyways), if Wikipedia is proof that humanity can't actually work together (turns out we just naturally can't work together), or why they should be going to Tokyo in the first place (which is actually why Chika said "jail, motherfucker, jail" earlier).

"I mean, we aren't here to do the idol shit this time, right?" Riko lightly tossed the dice onto the board, then moved her dog piece (the only one they were going to let her take, those fucking assholes) seven spaces. "We're just going to go there, as a group, and we're going to relax, go around, buy things, and hopefully get alo-"

"Chance card, Riko!" Chika was about to pull a card for Riko, when she stopped her and pulled her own.

"Advance to..." Riko looked at the board, dismayed. "...Illinois Avenue."

Illinois Avenue was right in front of her.

Suddenly, there was a loud honk out front. It was the third years, unfortunately, so the kids put the board away and got into Mari's van, a Volkswagen Type 2.

"Well, bitches? Do I get going now, or what?" Mari leaned back onto her partially open door, almost falling out of the van. Nobody said anything, so Mari suddenly accelerated, the van firing out of the lot.

Other than the fact that Mari had a Red Ryder BB gun with her up front, it was looking like a great two-hour drive.

* * *

Mari rolled the van into a parking space outside their hotel. Other than the first fifteen minutes of the trip, nobody actually said anything, so everyone slept en route, except Mari, who always drinks coffee anyways, so staying awake wasn't a worry.

But now they were in Tokyo. The most populous metropolitan area in the world, at over 13 million people, and Japan's capital since 1869.

Mari picked up her BB gun, checked if it was loaded, aimed, and shot the fuck out of Riko. As in, she shot Riko once in the shoulder, making her scream, waking everyone up. "Alarm clock, bitches. Get up." Mari had aviators on. Why did she have aviators on?

"Mari, give me that!" Kanan sternly took the BB gun from Mari and immediately popped Chika, who was sitting at the back. She missed horribly and the BB lightly pinged off the roof of the van, right into Chika's mouth.

"Chika! Spit that out! Now!" Kanan gave the Red Ryder back to Mari, who got out to put it in the trunk. Chika spat the steel ball out, and it kind of fell, never to be seen again.

Mari came back wearing an M1 helmet. Opening the passenger doors, she privately brought Yoshiko out and put a British Brodie helmet on her.

"Yosh, to commemorate the fact that you're a good friend, you get to keep this. I don't want it, because it's British. It's a replica, because the real ones would give your dumb ass asbestos or some shit. You own this helmet now. There are many like it, but this helmet is yours. Your helmet and yourself are the defenders of your country. You are the masters of your enemy. You are the saviors of your life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but relative peace. Fuck you."

"Okay."

"Now, let's go do what the Grand Alliance  pussied out on."

"Hey, hey, hey!" Dia walked around the van towards the two. "You are NOT invading Japan! Not on my watch!" Everyone was exiting now, because honestly, that BB could go fuck itself.

"Oh, oh, speaking of pussy, you two wanna head to the hotel and bang?" Mari smiled at Dia and Kanan, the latter of which wrapped her arms around Mari and French kissed her, because the only boundary love has is the moral one.

"God, you two are horrible," Dia grumbled, signaling the kids to go with her. "We're just going to head around the city, okay? You two do whatever, as long as it's not in public."

"Yeah!" Chika poked her head out. "And we can get along, too, 'cause we never spend time with Dia! She never wants us to, anyways, since she's a soulless b-" Chika was cut off by Dia hitting her on the head and tugging her along.

"Okay! You do whatever!" Mari brought Kanan over to the van, they both got in, and curtains covered the van's already tinted windows. Were they fucking? Eh, probably.

* * *

Tokyo is a great city.

There's so much to do, so many places to go, so many things to see.

Which is, of course, why they were eating tonkatsu and yakisoba on a small side street by themselves.

Mari and Kanan were probably still fucking (it had been over an hour), Riko vanished after they left the restaurant, and Yoshiko ran off to get her own "non-casual" food.

You sighed. "Oh god, we look homeless." Aside from the fact that they were eating hot food and their clothes were actually quite clean, sure, they looked homeless, why not.

Chika relaxed on the concrete fence everyone else was leaning on. "Let's just take time to mention that all of us here are in casual clothes, yet Dia's in a grey OL suit, Mari's wearing her uniform, Hanamaru has a winter toque, Yoshiko has that shitty helmet, and You..." Dia crossed her arms. She looked fine in this suit!

Dia took a sip of her soda, which was flat. That didn't matter, though. Dia liked flat soda. They really brought out the taste more; there wasn't any carbonation to get in the way. She would know, since she had drank wine twice before.

Speaking of You, she had a U.S. Postal Service uniform on. Nobody was actually sure how or where she got the uniform and the matching name tag. To quote what she said when they first saw her with it, "It's only a federal crime in the U.S.!"

Mari's van suddenly peeled around the corner at relatively high rates of speed, and it's a miracle nobody got hit. The Volkswagen screeched to a halt, and Mari got out, wearing her helmet and holding an airsoft M16A1. Where did she get that?

"Hey, uh, where's Yoshiko?" Mari looked around. She noticed You's USPS uniform, but she didn't say much about it, mainly because she didn't want to. Dia had someone else on her mind. "Mari, where's Kanan?"

"I don't know."

Dia, calling bullshit on that, quickly opened the side doors of the van, only to be knocked back by a sudden BB to the chest. Kanan was lying in the back, with Mari's Red Ryder. "Ahaha!" Kanan high-fived Mari, then noticed that Dia wasn't getting up.

"Oh, shit. I got her in the chest again, didn't I?" The two got out and pulled up Dia, who was having minor difficulty breathing, and was being patted by Ruby. Nobody else really gave a shit, though they left the last piece of tonkatsu for Dia.

Yoshiko spun in from nowhere with a bowl of instant spicy ramen, this time actually prepared. She also had one that wasn't prepared. "Kanan! I got you one for last time!"

"Uh, thanks. I don't want it. Not now, at least." This was partly due to the fact that she was trying to nurse Dia back to full health. Dia wanted to kick Kanan's shit in, and she honestly could've, but she liked Kanan a lot more than Mari, so she didn't.

Riko came back from wherever the fuck she went earlier at the restaurant, with a full bag of whatever on her. "Sorry I'm so late!"

You looked mildly worried. "Riko?"

"Mhm...?"

"What's th-"

"Swiggity swag, what the fuck's in the bag?", Yoshiko and Mari shouted in English, quickly jumping Riko for her bag. Yoshiko kept the redhead still with Mari's BB gun as Mari checked the conents of the bag.

"Just doujins. The good R18 ones, too." Mari quickly examined the contents as Riko visibly redder and redder.

"Wow. I don't even know what the fuck this is. It's like a mix of yuri, yaoi, and whatever they call straight." Mari winked and held the bag out to Riko, who really wanted to run into traffic now. "Good taste!" Before Riko could move at all, Yoshiko just shot at her anyways, hoping to lodge that shit in and rustle her jimmies, but missed, hitting Chika.

Oh, fuck.

"Chika." Yoshiko lowered the BB gun. "Don't. Eat it. DON'T."

She didn't.

Just kidding! She did, and Mari had to drive her to the nearest hospital.

Everyone was actually pretty chill on the way there. It turned out that Chika hadn't actually downed it, and she just randomly coughed it up in the waiting room. Mari's explanation was fantastic: "We were playing with a BB gun in an alley while having lunch and kinkshaming my friend. My other really good friend fired a shot, missed, and then Chika ate the pellet or some shit. It's not a real gun, so it's not like you can arrest me or some shit like that. Can I go to Burger King now?"

* * *

"I'm fucking sorry, Chika."

Yoshiko was lying face-down on the bed, Ruby on her back for some reason. This was a different hotel than the one they were at earlier, which turned out to be a love hotel.

They actually wanted to stay there, despite Dia and Riko's complaints, because the weekend could honestly be worse, but the woman at the desk flipped when she noticed Ruby and Hanamaru, and said that everyone except the third years weren't of legal age (assuming they would actually ever bang). So, despite Mari's initial resistance, they went a few blocks out to an actual hotel.

"Hey, it's not like I give a shit. I'm dead when I get home, but on the flipside, I've never been to a hospital like that before." Chika rolled around and hit Hanamaru, who was reading a book. Maru got up and pulled Chika, who yelped, off the bed and onto the floor.

Kanan sat cross-legged at the window, admiring the city while eating the noodles Yoshiko bought her. Dia (who was now sleeping on the second bed) supervised Mari and Yoshiko as they emptied their airsofts of pellets, after which they could "fuck around with those things" as long as they didn't charge some tourists.

"Yosh, wanna charge some tourists?"

"Sure."

The two then donned their helmets, threw each other their now-loaded airsofts, and ran out the door to go charge some tourists.

Riko came out of the washroom with what was very clearly her bag of doujinshi. "Don't say a fucking WORD."

You rolled around on the floor. "You're straight?"

Riko was about to kick the shit out of You for such inaccurate accusations when Mari and Yoshiko came back in.

"You guys, there's a building on fire like, a block down." Yoshiko and Mari were quite calm saying this. Dia woke up and turned to face the door.

"Did you two set it?"

"No."

"How did you find it?"

"We were about to jump some Aussies when we saw smoke."

"Describe the building."

"Short as shit and either under construction or being renovated."

"Historical?"

"Probably not."

Dia got up, put her shoes on, and went to the door. "I doubt any of us have seen a large fire before, and I assume you types love this stuff."

Basically, Dia was inviting everyone to watch the Tokyo Fire Department take on a burning building. A ballsy move for a Kurosawa.

* * *

Everyone was out near the van, parked along the street, the door opened to "let the tragedy air in", according to Yoshiko. Kanan and Dia were leaning on the van, while Chika, Yoshiko, and You were sitting on the ground. Mari was in the driver's seat, while Riko, Ruby, and Hanamaru were in the back (Ruby was sleeping, though).

The Metropolitan Police Department cordoned off the area, but it didn't matter, really, since they still had a clear view of the thing past the barricade.

"Why are we out here?" You was kind of tired, but she liked seeing emergency services at work. The fire was well under their control now.

"Wait. What the fuck is that?"

Kanan had pointed out a black Nissan, followed by a police van and an ambulance, arriving at the scene as several firefighters exited the building. Three police officers got out of the van, put on respirator masks and gloves, and entered the building, followed by two suited men and three paramedics.

"Wait, aren't those..." Hanamaru almost placed her finger on who those suited guys were.

The suited men came back, along with two of the paramedics and a police officer, pushing a stretcher.

On it was a body bag.

"Oh! The medical examiner's office, zura! Oh. Oh..." Hanamaru, almost always the unintentional bearer of bad news.

Everyone watched the body bag roll out to the ambulance in silence for a tad bit.

"Shit."

"Oh, god."

"God fucking damn it, Dia."

"I mean, I've never seen a dead person before, so I guess-"

After a minute of flipping the fuck out, everyone except Dia quickly got into Mari's van. Dia was still watching the medical examiner drive away.

"Dia's fault. She's walking."

"Hey, wha-"

Before Dia could process what Mari said, Kanan shut the doors and Volkswagen did a quick U-turn away from Dia, screeching down the street without her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since i never touched on this, "the kids" are just the first and second years, but you probably knew that anyways
> 
> also, the chapters don't actually take place within the same week or some shit (this one actually occurs about two weeks after chapter 2)


	4. Yoshiko is Gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoshiko is gay. Who knew?

**3:31 PM - Friday - Uranohoshi Girls' High School - Numazu, Shizuoka Prefecture**

Yoshiko strolled down the hall past dozens of other students, her school bag in hand.

Mari had called her down to her office before dismissal for some undisclosed reason.

As in, she personally walked over to her class and gave her a piece of scrap paper that said "get the fuck over here after the bell" in English.

Arriving at the chairwoman's office, Yoshiko silently opened the door and saw Dia sleeping in a chair, leaning on Mari's shoulder. Dia was actually smiling, which could be classified as a cursed image.

"Oh! Yoshiko!" Mari sprung up suddenly, which actually stopped Dia's heart for two seconds. "You're here!"

"Yeah, uh, I am." Yoshiko glanced at Dia, who looked both shocked and embarrassed; shocked that her heart fucking stopped, and embarrassed that Yoshiko actually saw her committing what she would call such an indecent a-

"Now, bend over." Mari's face was completely calm.

"Woah, wha-"

* * *

"You never tell a soul about this. Okay?"

"Uh, fuck it, sure."

"Good. Mari, you can speak now."

Dia and Mari were at the working side of the latter's desk. Yoshiko was sitting on the other side.

" _Dia è molto bella._ " Mari dearingly hugged Dia's arm. "She pretends to not like me because she thinks being the student council president is a legitimate public office job."

"Aaand, you stop there." Dia crossed her arms like an X.

"Oh!" Mari jokingly made a thinking motion. "She also pretends to be straight, but pretty much everyone knows she's an absolute bottom." Yoshiko nodded in agreement. Dia grumbled.

"Wait. Am I just here to watch you two argue about relationships?" Yoshiko sighed and leaned in her chair. Dia edged forwards. "No, you're here to tell us something veeery importan-"

"Who here would you bang?"

"What?!" Yoshiko looked flustered, nearly stumbling out of her chair. Mari smiled.

"It's not a hard question," the chairwoman quipped. "Well, first, cock or pussy?"

Yoshiko went red. "G-girls, sure."

"Great! Bend over."

Yoshiko literally fell out of her chair as Mari approached to give her the hottest pounding she'd ever given someone. "I-I mean, not you!"

Mari froze in her tracks. "Wow. _Rude._ " She pouted and went back to her seat, where Dia slapped her on the wrist.

"I mean, you three are really hot, but like, that's a fuck-only kind of thing." Yoshiko slowly got back up. "You three", of course, referred to Dia, Mari, and Kana-

"I dunno whether I should be offended by this or not."

"Wah!" Yoshiko fell back down. Kanan was leaning at the doorway with a slightly disappointed expression on her face.

" _Oh! Kanan!_ " Mari leapt up and hugged Kanan with so much force that she almost fell. "Gee, Mari, you never act this way unless you're drunk, horny, or you drank too much coffee." Kanan lightly pushed Mari back.

Mari pouted. "Yeah, well, I wanted to score on Yoshiko, but she turned me down. Turns out she likes someone else, or something." Kanan scoffed.

"Well, I think I know who Yoshiko might like."

* * *

"Ho-ly shit."

Riko pulled her earbuds out and paused her song. She was sitting at a table in the school library, reading a light novel. Other than the third years and Yoshiko, nobody else was really there.

"You two want to waste my time again?" Riko was referring to Yoshiko and Mari, the latter of which was holding the former by the shoulders. The two were, in Riko's eyes, extremely annoying.

"Well, no," Kanan started. "We're here to-"

"Would you bang this?" Mari nudged Yoshiko forwards.

"Ew. God no."

"Do you already bang this?"

"No."

"Do you even date this?"

"No!"

"What?! I thought you two went to each other's places and hung out a lot!"

"As FRIENDS, Mari. Now fuck off." Riko put her earbuds back on.

"See, Yoshiko? You've been friendzoned. Feel it." Mari gave Yoshiko a pat on the head.

The group went to leave the library, Dia quietly scolding Mari for acting how she was.

"Oh! Yoshiko!"

Yoshiko froze up at the entryway.

Behind the front desk was Hanamaru Kunikida. For such a short girl, she was pretty thick, with two C's. Aside from how hot she was, she was also sweet, kind, and caring.

You know where this is going, don't you?

"You still have a book due from last week! It was..." Hanamaru stopped to remember which book it was. "...Ah! _The Boredom of Haruhi Suzumiya_. If you're not done reading it, you can just renew it if you want, zura."

"Er, sure." Yoshiko, now obviously red-faced, inched over to the desk.

Hanamaru never used any kind of computerized library database; the school didn't have one, and she can't use computers anyways, so she used the old method of sign-out sheets, lists, cards, all that. She organized them herself.

Locating Yoshiko's sign-out on the list, Hanamaru scratched out the older due date. "For how many days will you have this signed out?"

"I-I'll just have it over the weekend." Yoshiko stuttered. Maru wrote the date down, reached under the counter, and pulled out a copy of _The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya_. "Thought you'd also want this out for the weekend, zura. You must really like this series, huh?" Yoshiko nodded and took a deep breath as Maru added the checkout on another slot. Hey! She could talk to Zuramaru now!

"By the way, you're red-faced and stuttering. Are you okay?"

Shit! Nevermind!

"Eh, I'm fine, Zu-ra-maru..." Yohane weakly posed. She clearly wasn't fine.

Hanamaru reached over the desk and kindly gave the chuuni a soft pat on the head, accompanied by a warm smile and an adorable giggle. "Whatever it is, get well soon," she whispered.

"O-okay, see ya!" Yoshiko grabbed her books and went roaring out of the library, making quite a distance before being pulled into the chairwoman's room by Kanan.

* * *

"Wow, Yoshiko. That's kind of sad."

Yoshiko was back at the desk, the third years sitting at the other side.

"Yeah, I mean, personally, I'd want Ruby and Hanamaru together." Kanan and Mari leaned to look at Dia over her remark.

"What? Hanamaru takes excellent care of my sister." Dia crossed her arms, defending herself.

"Hey, speaking of fantasy relationships, I really did think you and Riko would go well!" Kanan leaned forwards on the desk. "You just have to try harder. Y'know. Win her over."

"But I don't like Riko." Yoshiko awkwardly looked at Kanan. Mari leaned forwards.

"But you'd tap that ass, right?"

"I mean, once, sure."

"Anyways, uh, about Hanamaru, that's a no-hoper, go fuck Riko silly." Mari smiled and twirled her chair around. Dia lightning-stared the chairwoman. "Mari!"

"What?" Mari rolled her chair back to the desk. "Hanamaru's probably gonna be a celibate. Y'know. She's a... uh... Buddhist priest. She can't bang, or something. Plus, this is Hanamaru we're talking about. She's probably gonna wait until marriage, never lay you, then when it happens, she'll keep squirming when you put one finger in."

Yoshiko raised her eyebrows. "That last one's kinda hot, though."

"Damn, you're right." Mari thought about something for a bit. "Tell us about her."

"Well," Yoshiko started, "We were best friends in kindergarten, then we went to different schools, but I just kept thinking about her, like a lost relative, then, on the first day here, I'm chilling in a tree when I see her and Ruby, and I don't know it's her, so I'm like 'Damn, that girl's lookin' wooo-ee,' so I'm kinda stealth jilling myself when the branch I'm on snaps, then motherfucking Chika says I have brain damage when I go Yohane, and Hanamaru, holy shit, Hanamaru goes up to me, and she's like 'Oh, Yoshiko, it's me, Hanamaru, from kindergarten,' and I'm like, in my mind, 'Holy shit, she's hot as hell,' like, she developed a fucking rack alright, and she also has these thighs through those pantyhose, whatever you call them, and she just looks soft as all hell too, so I practically stealth cum and I run the fuck away, then one day she finds me in one of those storage boxes, and wow, she's got an ass, and-"

"Stop." Dia sighed. "Mari's getting off to that. Anyways, I didn't get any of what you were saying."

"She's hot, cute, and caring."

"Well, what about the priest thing Mari mentioned?" Kanan got up from her seat.

"I asked her, she probably won't be a priest." Right as Yoshiko said that, Kanan tossed Yoshiko out the door.

"Great! Go talk to her. I have to help Mari with... something." And with that, Kanan quickly closed the door.

* * *

Mari and Yoshiko were great friends.

Often, they'd hang out, Mari would sleep over at Yoshiko's apartment (apparently to "feel poor"), play something on the wide variety of old game consoles the two had, or hit the town and fuck around. Mari, with her driver's license and wide variety of old cars, would often drive Yoshiko to and from school in one of many pre-1973 gas crisis vehicles imported from the land of stars and stripes.

So it wasn't off to see Yoshiko waiting at Mari's silver Citroen DS in the parking lot.

Yoshiko, of course, was on her phone, leaning at the back. Mari was probably banging. It had been an hour.

Bothered by the sunlight, Yoshiko went towards the entrance for some shade, bumping right into Hanamaru, who fell onto her back with a thud.

"Oh!" Yoshiko got up, passively eyeing Hanamaru in the meantime. "Are you okay?" Wooo-ee.

"Nnh! I'm fine." Yoshiko really liked that "Nnh" sound. "Do you mind?" Hanamaru held her arm out. Yoshiko grabbed her hand and pulled her up, almost falling down herself.

"Hey, uh, Yoshiko, do you have any plans this weekend?" Maru dusted her legs off. Yoshiko thought for a bit. "Well, no, not really."

"Great! We can work on that history project together!" Hanamaru gleefully smiled. She really enjoyed history.

"Wait. We have a history project?"

"Yep! A presentation. Any participating country's perspective of the First World War. We're doing an easy one: Canada!"

"Oh, shit! Well, uh, Sunday?"

"Sure! I have to get home now, or my parents will get worried!" Hanamaru waved and ran out the gates. Yoshiko watched her and smiled, which is actually a creepy thing to type, but it was in the wholesome way.

"You fuck on the first date?"

Yoshiko jumped in surprise and turned around to see Mari standing right behind her.

"I dunno, do girls like that?" Yoshiko awkwardly brushed herself off from Mari's all-too-sudden inquiry. Mari shook her head. "I mean, I certainly would, but you have to work on that until it just happens and you have hot sex for an hour straight."

"Kanan or Dia?"

"Both. We fucked for four hours. I recorded all of it." Mari began walking to the car, and Yoshiko followed.

"Please send me that video."

"I will."

Mari opened the right rear door for Yoshiko. "What I'm saying is that you have to really hold back on it until you're both ready to bang." Shutting the rear door, Mari got into the driver's seat; being an American import, it was left-hand drive.

"Think of it as offense-defense. You're offense, so you're making advances. You have to make them light, because heavy advances get you arrested for harassment. And Hanamaru..." Mari paused to start the engine. "...Is defense. Meaning she's your target, if you will. And if she pushes you down out of the blue and fucks you silly, she really likes you."

"What the shit? What are you going on about?"

"Alright, alright, alright, remember when Kanan said I usually act like a little shit when I'm drunk, horny, or I drank too much coffee?" Mari pulled out an almost empty flask and shook it before just downing it. "One and two, bitch."

"Holy shit, I'm in a car with a drunk person." Yoshiko leaned back and pulled out her phone.

"Are you calling the police? I'm not that shitfaced, twat." Mari looked at Yoshiko through the rear-view mirror, who shook her head in response. "Nah. I'm playing some 80's Japanese pop. Good shit."

"Got it." Mari popped the glove box and pulled out a pair of aviators, which you can't question because Mari is an American in a 70's sedan. "Wanna just blast that shit, drive around for an hour, and watch that tape I'm sending you? We don't have to look at each other when we jill off to it."

"Yeah, y'know what, just drive me home, got that? I'm not getting off with you." Yoshiko smiled with a tinge of worry on her face. Aside from Bay City playing, the car was silent.

"...This is kind of a bop."

"Yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rushed ending at 10 pm on a saturday


	5. You Gets A Boat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You gets a boat and promptly fucks off; Guilty Kiss goes outside.

**4:26 PM - Wednesday - Pier near Takami Inn - Numazu, Shizuoka Prefecture**

Ruby was tossing pebbles into the water, while Chika was lying face-down.

Aside from Hanamaru, Riko, and Kanan, Dia actually trusted You with Ruby's safety. Since You was heading over, it was all good.

A black RHIB, much like the one Mari bought for Kanan some time ago for no actual reason, docked at the pier. You, decked out in a really extra sailor outfit, was the driver of said boat. Er, not the driver, the "captain". Ruby threw a rock at her.

Chika looked up from the wood of the pier. "What the fuck? Is that a military boat?"

You chuckled in response. It was a civilian boat, but that was the point anyways. "Got it myself. Dad gave me some money from his paycheck. JMSDF forks over a lot if you run a replenishment oiler."

Nobody actually moved after that, so You just pulled the two onboard and sped off.

* * *

Mari was in Yoshiko's apartment with Yoshiko and Riko, lying on the floor.

It was another unscheduled "Guilty Kids Fun Time", when Mari and Yoshiko jumped Riko so they could do stupid shit for hours until Yoshiko got bored or someone started crying.

They had done almost nothing for an hour.

Yoshiko sprang up and held Riko in a chokehold position. "Riko."

"God, what the f-"

"Can we go to the dog park?" asked Yoshiko, still holding Riko in a chokehold.

"N-no! Why-"

"Dog park. Dog park. Dog park. Dog park. Dog park-"

"Go ask Mari!"

Releasing Riko from the chokehold, Yoshiko went over to Mari and politely sat down in front of her. "Can we go to the dog park?"

Mari nodded. "Sure."

"Oh, come the fuck on!"

Picking up her cat, Yoshiko followed Mari and Riko out to the elevator.

Mari nudged Yoshiko. "You get along with your neighbors?"

Yoshiko shrugged. "I wouldn't know. The unit to my left's a single dad with two kids, to my right is an old couple, and out front is some guy in college or something who hits on me."

"So, that a 'no'?"

"It's a no."

* * *

You's boat was drifting along the bay half a kilometer away from land. Everyone except You was bored; Chika was reading a dictionary, Ruby was sleeping, and You was being You.

"Listen, I know you guys are extremely bored right now since we're, y'know, floating in the bay." You reached into her bag, bringing out a fishing rod. "That's why I brought a fishing rod with no bait."

"God, that's awesome!" Chika snatched the rod from You's hands, tossed the hook into the water, and gave the rod to Ruby.

"Er, Ruby can't fish," Ruby stuttered. "And there's no bait anyways, so..." The redhead sat down.

"That's why we're going 'drag fishing', Ruby. Buckle up." Chika sat at another seat as You slammed the boat full speed.

"Don't we need a net for this?!" Chika yelled over the engine.

"What?" You responded, not turning around.

"DON'T WE NEED A NET FOR THIS?!"

"WHAT?!"

"WHERE'S RUBY?!"

"YOU'RE RIGHT, WE NEEDED A FUCKING NET!"

"YOU! RUBY'S GONE!"

"...WHAT?"

* * *

Mari's Citroen pulled up at a small dog park somewhere near downtown. The three got out, and Yoshiko popped the trunk, bringing out her cat.

"You brought Apprentice in the trunk?" Riko awkwardly stared at Yoshiko, who was holding the cat up.

"Who?"

"Your cat." Riko went up and lightly flicked Yoshiko's cat.

"Oh, no. I rename her all the time. That was just her first-time name. Right now it's Mimi." Yoshiko lightly pet Mimi, who purred in response. "I just can't find a good name for her."

"Yoshiko, lots of people name their cat Mimi. It sounds cutesy Asian, so it works like that." For some reason, Mari was getting her BB gun from the trunk.

"Ugh, you're right." Yoshiko looked up at Mari. "What do I name it, then?"

"Nyotengu."

"No."

"Riko."

"No."

"Pussy."

"No."

"Tokyo."

"No."

"China."

"Eh... no."

"Cat."

"No."

"Kat."

"No."

"Todd Howard."

"What the fuck?"

Out of ideas, Mari shut the trunk and went to lock the car doors. Yoshiko let her cat down so it could go take a piss or something.

Mari flicked one of the side mirrors on her car. "Pong."

"Holy shit, sure." Taking this to be an answer, Yoshiko picked up her cat, now named Pong, and spun it around. "Hello, Pong."

"Uh," Riko interjected. "How about 'Muu'?"

"That also sounds good, but Mari came up with Pong first, and 'Muu' sounds like a name you pulled out of your ass." Yoshiko shook Pong, who mewed.

" _Ooh!_ " Mari perked up from looking at her car. "What about 'Maru'?"

Total silence.

"No. No. I'm not gonna, uh, name it after my future wife, heheh-"

"She said future wife. Riko, _run_." Like that, Mari ran away, leaving just Riko and Yoshiko at the car.

"Uh..." Riko awkwardly looked around. "I never got around to asking this, but you brought your cat to a dog park?"

* * *

Chika and You were in a more-or-less moderate panic mode now.

Specifically, they were sitting back with maraschino cherries as the RHIB cruised slowly along the waters.

"Well," You stretched in her seat and sighed. "This is where we dropped Ruby. What do we do now?"

Chika picked up the fishing rod, threw the hook into the water, and waited. And waited. And waited.

"Chika, there's no line attached. You just threw the hook into the water."

"Oh. Alright, you go, you go."

You picked up a rock that Ruby brought on the boat, and threw it into the water.

Chika looked at You. "What the fuck?"

"Alright, alright, try something."

Chika got up and pulled a loudspeaker from the front, as if she honestly couldn't be any louder. Leaning forwards, she faced the water on the right side of the boat.

"RUBY. IF YOU DON'T GET BACK ON THIS FUCKING BOAT, WE'RE THROWING THIS CAN OF GOOD-ASS MARASCHINO CHERRIES AT YOU. AND HOLY SHIT, THEY ARE GOOD AS HELL. THEY GROW ON TREES OR SOME SHIT, I DUNNO. ARE THEY PICKLED, ACTUALLY? HOPEFULLY NOT. I ONLY LIKE THE PICKLES YOU GET AT THE BURGER JOINTS THAT ARE LIKE A CUCUMBER, BUT THEY'RE NOT, BUT THEY ARE. THE CHERRIES PROBABLY AREN'T PICKLED, THOUGH. I THINK THESE ARE MADE WITH ALCOHOL. LIKE, IT'S NAMED AFTER A TYPE OF LIQUOR, OR SOMETHING. I HAVE TO LOOK THAT UP LATER. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY SOLD THEM LIKE THIS. I THOUGHT YOU COULD ONLY GET THEM AT RESTAURANTS ON DRINKS. ANYWAYS, COME UP BEFORE YOUR SISTER KILLS US."

Nothing happened, so Chika threw a cherry into the water.

Like a bass in a stream in Oregon, Ruby flew out of the water to catch the cherry in her mouth, landing in the middle of the RHIB. It was less of a landing and more of a light slam.

"Oh my god! Stewie!" You picked up and hugged Ruby. "You're not dead! Dia won't eviscerate us!"

"I, uh, found this." Ruby brought out an old fishing net. How she found it, Hirohito probably knows, since he's dead, and the dead see all. "We can go fishing again."

You chuckled. "It's okay. I didn't have a valid fishing license anyways."

* * *

Yoshiko, Riko, Pong, and Mari were along the coast of Uchiura. The sun was kind of setting.

Mari got her phone out of her pocket. "Wanna go call Dia and kinkshame her until she cries?"

"No."

"Sure!"

"Mew."

Mari sat crosslegged on the sand. Riko and Yoshiko sat next to her. Calling Dia, Mari put the phone to her ear.

"Hey, Mari, is roleplay sex normal?" Yoshiko looked at Mari with a slight blush on her face. Ever since that "date" with Hanamaru a few days ago, Yoshiko had randomly asked Mari increasingly sexual questions.

Mari chuckled. "No, no, it's fine. Me and Kanan do it every once in a while. Dia doesn't though, 'cause she's a stuck-up bitch. Apparently, it's some shameless dishonorable mix, even though she enjoys getting plowed, and honestly, it never leaves the bedroom anyways. Though, you know, it isn't usually limited to the bedroom." As Mari finished the sentence, someone on the other end picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Dia. Are you wearing nothing but a shirt again?"

"Excuse me? This is Dia's mother. What is my daughter doing?"

Mari quickly hung up and rolled on her side, wondering why she didn't make a private call. Pong touched her ass, which is a weird reverse bestiality kind of situation, but whatever.

A small boat slowly floated to shore, beaching itself on the tide. You, Chika, and Ruby got off.

"Shit." You looked under the boat. "Riko, Yish, wanna help me push this thing back in the water?"

Yoshiko got up. "Yish?"

"Yeah. 'Yish'."  "Like 'Yoshiko' and 'fish'."

Mari got up, quietly mumbling something to herself about how _Hawaii Five-O_ is basically a series of Chevrolet advertisements. "Hey, You. Ya like the boat I got you?"

You spun around, shocked and red-faced. "Uh, wh-what're you talking about?"

"The boat." Mari got her flask out and unscrewed the cap. "Y'know. That RHIB the others are pushing."

"You!" Ruby disappointedly strided over from the boat. "You said you bought it with your own money!"

"Specifically, I said it was my dad's." You replied.

"I mean, you didn't have to lie, you dick." Mari basically downed half of the flask.

"You, uh, sure you can drink that much?" Riko pointed out how flasks are usually for hard-ass liquor.

" _I-I AM FFFUCKING FINE._ "

"Okay."

You got up and ran away like a cheapshit. Yoshiko got up and ran to intercept, because she's actually really fast when it comes down to it. The rest of the girls were just blankly watching Yoshiko chase You from far away. Mari was more-or-less drunk. The sun was setting.

"Hey, uh, Chika, do you think You was lying when she said her dad gets paid a lot?"

"No, Ruby, she's probably just a moderately greedy shit."

"A what?"

Chika just giggled in response. Somewhere, in the distance, You kept running.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i kinda fixed up this fic to make it somewhat less inspired by IASIP


	6. Bring The Whip Around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mari brings her horse to school, like any self-respecting individual; the Kazunos show up.

**8:02 AM - Thursday - Uranohoshi Girls' High School - Numazu, Shizuoka Prefecture**

Dia Kurosawa. Student council president, role-model citizen, and heir to the Kurosawa fortune, if you can call the ownership of several businesses in a coastal village in a city that you actually have to be searching for to find on Google Maps a "fortune".

The Toyota Crown S180 she was driving parked up at a very specific spot near the entrance. She was the only one who used it. The car, mind you, was what can best be described as a hand-me-down when her parents bought a newer, better car. She got it when she was 16.

Heading inside, Dia went to the staff room to brew herself a hot cup of tea. It was hot outside, but she still drank it. Only casuals drank iced tea, thought Dia.

She was the only person in the building, and that was usually just how it went. School started at 8:50, so she had almost an hour to fidget around with student council materials, club and school work, and probably also play with herself if nobody else was gonna show up for a while.

Wait. What the fuck was that noise? Was someone inside? No, it sounded like they were outside. But whatever was outside was heading inside. Knowing this, Dia quickly went out to the front entrance.

And there it was.

* * *

A while ago, at some Ohara-owned stable in between Numazu and Tokyo, yet still kind of close to Numazu, Mari, Yoshiko, and Riko were bringing Mari's horse, Starbright, out. They were discussing relationships.

Mari sighed dreamily as she led Starbright to the gate. Yoshiko followed. They were both wearing their helmets.

"God, I wish Kanan had a dick." Mari's hand ran through Starbright's mane.

"Is this because you're bi?" Riko, who was waiting at the gate, bored out of her mind, opened it.

"Yep..." Mari's thoughts trailed off as she thought of Dia, drunk, in a bunny suit, on all fours, calling her "Master" between breaths while she got rammed ana-

"Mari, your horse is running away."

Mari snapped out of it and ran up to Starbright, who was more accurately walking away. "Riko, go walk behind us, will you?"

"Mari, I know Starbright's gonna kick my shit, and I'm gonna fucking die, so can you stop trying?" Riko crossed her arms. "Also, how are we gonna get back?"

Mari pointed at the small horse trailer she brought with her van.

"...Oh."

* * *

Of course, outside the school was Mari and Yoshiko on Starbright like a bunch of fucking cunts.

"Hey! Hey!" Dia ran outside, right in the way of Starbright. Mari quickly got the horse to stop.

"Oh, hey Dia!" Mari got off and threw her helmet at her. "I was just thinking about you." Mari got real close to Dia. "Like, y'know. Thinking about you."

Dia pushed her. "Cut the crap. The fuck is this?!" She gestured to the horse in the parking spot in front of her.

"Starbright." Mari ran her hands through its mane. "My horse from Italy."

"Didn't you come from L.A.?" Yoshiko interrupted, because she just always had to, didn't she?

"I visited Italy lots of times just to see Starbright. When I went back to L.A. during my second year, I was also moving Starbright here to Japan. Starbright loves it here." Mari hugged Starbright.

"Mari, why aren't you referring to Starbright by a gender?" Everyone yelped. Riko had walked in from being stuck in the van a block away.

"I'm not sure what gender Starbright is." Mari checked under Starbright, which is something any normal person does. "Never really paid attention until now."

Oh. Okay. Starbright was female.

"I'm not done with you, Mari," Dia reminded, standing by for the whole conversation. "You can't even ride a horse on public roads! How did you get her here?"

"By going quickly," Mari answered.

"And how do you plan on keeping her here?"

Mari brought out a lead and tied Starbright to a fence. "Like this."

Dia walked away, grumbling something about how Mari was a "smug bitch". Mari smiled. It was a loving relationship.

* * *

It was lunch time, and You had ate a while ago, meaning she had some time to run outside with Chika and chase bugs around with eating utensils. A childhood tradition, You and Chika rarely did this, but it happened every fucking year somehow and honestly, you can't just try and prevent it.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Kanan was outside, yet also far away, just in case they died or something. "Chika, you haven't even eaten yet! The fuck are you gonna do, eat the bugs?"

"Yes! That is my plan!" Chika yelled as she chased an ant. This part usually didn't happen.

"What the fuck?! Why?!"

"That's the future or some shit, Kanan! Eating! Bugs!" Chika then fell the fuck over like a dolt. You dropped her chopsticks and ran over to Chika.

"Oh my god, you son of a bi-" You was interrupted by someone pushing her over. She rolled over to kick the shit out of whoever did that, when she noticed the really hot-looking purple hair.

"Oh, hey Sarah. Hey Leah." You got up, but Chika was still lying on the ground. "Shouldn't you be at school?"

"Well, we called it a two-day vacation. We wanna see what you guys do out here on regular days, y'know?" Sarah and Leah went to lift Chika, who was still lying down.

"Really? Sounds nice, I guess." You dusted herself off. "You can't go around during classes, though you can hang with us after school in the clubroom."

"Sounds cool." Leah dragged Chika indoors. "We can probably look around the city, or something. Right, Sarah?" Sarah nodded. They dropped Chika and left as Kanan walked up and checked on Chika, who was somehow perfectly fine.

"What was that about?" Kanan asked as she pulled Chika up. Chika just fixed her hair, and stretched a bit.

You just looked at her. "Where were you for this entire conversation?"

* * *

Also at lunch, Starbright was a rather popular attraction with the students, though it was like this through the morning. Dia and Mari were in an empty classroom with a nice view of the front of the school, looking at the somewhat large congregation of students that had gathered around Starbright.

"Wow, Mari." Dia leaned at the window. "The news might as well throw this on the paper. Your horse is real popular."

Mari sat in a seat. She looked nervous. "Yeah, but Starbright isn't very good around so many people."

Dia snickered before she took a sip of hot tea even though it was over 20° Celsius outside. "Like the police? You can't just bring a horse to a school."

Mari got up, leaned behind Dia, and wrapped her arms around her. "And you're not allowed to have two girlfriends, yet we make it work."

Dia giggled softly, but then took on a more serious mood, pulled Mari's arms off her, and turned around to face the blonde. "No, seriously. Either the police are going to take Starbright away, or-"

Yoshiko and Hanamaru quickly came in, Yoshiko still wearing her helmet. "Mari! Mari! Mari!" they cried.

Mari calmly leaned on a desk. "Hey, Maru. Hey, Yosh. What's the deal?" Usually, things that were concerns to the first years weren't taken too seriously.

"Your horse is gone!" Maru shouted.

Oh shit.

Riko came in with a half-empty bottle of ramune. "Hey, Mari, your horse is gone."

I mean, we already heard this, but oh shit.

* * *

At the end of the school day, Aqours pretty much had to go on an all-hands search for Starbright. This included Saint Snow. Chika, Sarah, and Riko were combing the area near the school; the rest had just split up in unconventional groupings to search elsewhere. Yep, this was also a bonding activity.

"Can you believe a horse is this hard to find?" Sarah grunted as she stepped through dirt and grass. To the others, this wasn't an issue; they were raised in these rural areas, so they knew what grass was.

"I know, right?" Riko also had issues with the grass; she came from Tokyo like the fucking casual she was. "You'd think that a horse would be tall and it would stand out. It's just not here, I guess."

The trio walked out of the grass. Sarah balanced herself on a road barrier and looked into the field. Trees obstructed her view, but there were clearly no horses in the field at all, especially not one with a large purple star on its face.

"I feel like we should just tell Mari her horse is dead." Riko sat on the road barrier, then got up because it was really uncomfortable.

"Or, you know, we could search another field!" Chika was very ecstatic about running through fields right now. Sarah and Riko were not, which is why Chika just suddenly ran down the road, forcing Riko and Sarah to go after her.

* * *

Dia could drive, so she did. She actually got her license before Mari. The only problem was that she fucking sucked at it either way.

"You know, Leah, I really do respect you," Dia spoke as she drove. "You're like my sister but braver, taller, you have nice eyes, you're more attractive, etcetera. You're what I truly wish Ruby could be-"

"Dia, you're driving in the middle again." Leah sat in the passenger seat, criticizing Dia's driving abilities despite being three years younger than her.

"Oh, my mistake." Dia flipped her left turn signal on to move back into the lane.

Leah sighed. "You don't need to do that."

"Well, how am I supposed to let them know I'm moving back into the lane?"

"You don't. And who's 'them', anyways? There's nobody behind us."

"Let's say there was."

"Then they'd be honking at us anyways since you're going seven kilometers under the speed limit."

"Leah, that's because..." Dia tried to think of a good response. She couldn't.

"Exactly." Leah curled up in her seat, looking out the side window. The car was just total silence for the next good minute or so.

"...Is it 'Leah' or 'Ria'?"

"How have you been saying it so far?"

"'Leah'."

"Good. If you say 'Ria', you're a bitch."

Leah lay on her side in the seat, facing away from Dia, who had a smug look on her face.

"Okay, Ria."

Leah rolled over. "If you weren't driving right now, I'd kick your ass."

* * *

Kanan, You, and Ruby were sent to check the dock up north from the school. They were done searching at this point, because this is a horse, not Waldo.

Ruby was sitting at the end of the dock, looking at the water. Kanan and You were behind her. Ruby looked like she was searching for something.

"What are you looking for?" You asked.

"The horse." Ruby pointed at the expanse of water in front of her. "Hanamaru told me that horses can swim."

You looked down at Ruby and chuckled. "No, they can't."

Ruby looked directly into You's eyes, her unusually menacing aura piercing You's soul. "They can. And I can, too! Watch."

Ruby then threw herself into the bay, still looking directly at You.

Kanan took You's attention away from Ruby, who basically vanished in the water. "Look, and I know this is mean and all, but should we just tell Mari her horse is dead?"

You agreed. "Yeah, it probably drowned or something." Both walked away from the dock.

Kanan looked anxious. "Though she might not take the news too well, so we can just tell her it's our best observation." She sighed.

"Well, nobody else's said anything about finding Starbright." You sighed. "At the very least, we can just say she ran away completely."

Kanan turned around. "By the way, is Ruby okay?" You shrugged.

You and Kanan went back to the water, where Ruby was just calmly floating. "Told you!"

* * *

Hanamaru was searching areas outside the school area. Mari and Yoshiko were in the van, and they had to keep an eye on her. Yoshiko sat in the back, while Mari sat in the driver's seat. Hanamaru was walking around a few blocks.

"So, how's the relationship going?" Mari looked into the back to see Yoshiko eyeing Maru closely.

Yoshiko snapped out of it. "Oh, nice and all. Been to her house a few times, that's it. You know how she doesn't know about technology at all?"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, well, she actually has an 80's Mac in her house. It just doesn't have internet connection."

Mari took some time to think over this wack insane fact. Her thoughts soon turned to her lost horse, and she became visibly disheartened. Yoshiko noticed this.

"Aww, don't worry, Mari." Yoshiko leaned forwards. "If I can get really close to dating my childhood friend, you can find your horse."

Mari pouted. "That makes no sense!"

They were interrupted by what seriously sounded like Hanamaru screaming up the block. Mari quickly drove up to wherever Hanamaru was, where she found her sitting in a narrow lane, completely safe.

"Oh. Sorry. I was lost."

* * *

As the sun set, the group was gathered at Chika's inn. Dia's car pulled in silently. Mari sat on the roof of her van. How she got up there, nobody asked.

"Mari, if I could reach you, I could be really supportive and comforting, but I can't. I literally can't." Kanan shook the van. "Get down from there." Mari didn't budge.

Sarah tugged Leah and went inside the inn. "This is depressing." Leah followed.

Riko tugged at Mari's legs. "Come on, you melancholic douche. We can just go to the police tomorrow, and if they take your sob story well, you'll just get off with a warning."

Mari didn't respond, so Riko just grunted and walked off towards her house. "It's getting late. I'm just fuckin' going ho-"

Riko suddenly got struck by something traveling at a rather high speed rushing up from between her house and Chika's inn. She took a pretty bad tumble and ended up lying face-down on the dirt.

That fast thing being Starbright.

"Oh, shit!" Mari waved Starbright over, because there's honestly no way in hell she's dropping herself off the roof of a van that was marketed as a "bus".

Mari dropped onto Starbright's back and hugged her as everyone grouped around. Sarah and Leah ran outside to check on Riko. Nobody cared, though.

The next day, someone got arrested for untying Starbright's lead, and Mari had to pay a fine for riding a horse on several public roads, along with minor reparations to fix a fence that Starbright broke somehow.

As for Riko, well, she was fine, but nobody really cared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah so uh you should get used to long intervals between chapters now
> 
> i actually had at least three different stories in the works for this chapter and none of them worked out. i assume this one didnt either
> 
> i deleted "kazuno v. ohara" because it fucking sucked.


	7. The Girl Who Cried Woof

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The girls attempt to free Riko from her debilitating fear of dogs.

**4:05 PM - Monday - Takami Inn - Numazu, Shizuoka Prefecture**

Today was one of those days when everyone would go to Chika's inn and fiddle with stuff in her room.

Mari, You, and Yoshiko were fiddling with an AM radio on a shelf, Hanamaru was reading Ruby a book, Kanan supervised the girls from Chika's bed, Dia and Chika were outside somewhere, and Riko had to use the washroom.

Chika came in tugging a red wagon carrying a single small box of strawberry Pocky. "Who wants to see how much Pocky I can fit in my mouth? If you Pocky kiss me, I'm filing a police report, and you can become a registered sex offender or something."

"Yeah, sure." You turned off the radio and walked up to Chika, Mari and Yoshiko following behind her.

Hanamaru took very close notice of this box of Pocky, you see.

Walking up silently to the wagon, Maru took the box, grabbed a handful of Pocky sticks, and stuck them, along with all the other sticks in the box, in her mouth.

Yoshiko looked on. "That's so hot," she quietly mumbled.

Kanan looked up from lying on Chika's bed and checking her phone. "You know, Riko hasn't come back yet."

"Well, Dia hasn't, either," Ruby mumbled, lying in the back of the wagon with Chika's lobster plush. Hanamaru was pulling it around the table in the middle of the room, which Chika had been lying on top of for a while.

Dia suddenly poked her head in, which gave off a really menacing aura even though she wasn't gonna nail anyone to a cross or some shit. "Chika, your dog, whatever it's name is, is acting pretty strange."

Chika lazily rolled off the table and slammed right into the wagon, causing Ruby to fall out with a squeal. Getting up, she immediately sprinted out the door, causing Dia to flinch, which usually didn't happen. Everyone else followed behind, Hanamaru pulling Ruby and Yoshiko in the wagon for some reason.

* * *

Chika's dog was named Shiitake, and nobody was too sure about what breed or gender Shiitake actually was.

Originally purchased as some odd mix between family dog and physically-appealing guard dog, Chika and her siblings always had the time to play with Shiitake in their youth, since back then both Shiitake and Chika were smaller. As time passed, the guard dog role was retired, since the Takamis realized that nothing happened in Numazu, and that even if it was as bad as the mythical wasteland of Detroit, Shiitake had simply softened up over time.

So to see Shiitake calmly sitting in front of a closet meant a lot. It meant someone was inside. And since Shiitake never went full-on aggro tail-up loud barking mode, nobody knew what the fuck was happening until Chika whispered what was happening.

Despite Mari silently bugging her to ask if she could get her BB gun and fuck up whoever was inside, Chika quietly grabbed a broom and Mari's helmet, inched over to the current guest list, noted that there was nobody else here, and quietly went back to the closet door.

"Whoever's in there, I have a gun." Chika lightly knocked on the door using the broom handle. "That knocking was the gun. Very long pistol thing."

"Okay. Shoot the dog outside."

Chika swung the door open to see Riko standing on a shelf far above the ground. The stepladder she used to get up there was still there, meaning Shiitake could run up and get her either way. As if, you know, Shiitake was even capable or harming anyone.

You walked forwards. "God damn it, you're not doing this again. You're not." She began trying to pull Riko down by the legs, and Chika joined in. Everyone else was just watching this unfold. Yoshiko was recording it on her phone.

Chika went over and shooed Shiitake away, the dog running out to the doghouse near the front entrance. There, it lay down, yawned, and took a nap.

"There." Chika returned to the closet. "See, Riko? It's gone."

Riko slowly stepped down from the shelf, and brushed herself off. "Heh, sorry. I hope you guys understa-"

Shiitake ran back into the room.

This prompted Riko to snap, grab the broom from Chika's hands, and chase Shiitake outside, screaming and swiping the broom at Shiitake. It was quite a scene.

The rest of the girls walked back to Chika's room as Chika herself apologized to her family for having this kind of friend. Everyone sat at Chika's table in complete silence.

"...We should, uh, do something about that whole-"

You was cut off by Dia making a quick zipping motion in front of her. "We know."

* * *

It was Tuesday morning, and everyone except Riko and Hanamaru were in the clubroom. Ruby wasn't sleeping, but she looked tired, so clearly this was important.

"So, uh, where's Riko?" Chika looked at You, who previously said she totally "had Riko covered" when they were on the bus.

"Oh, I just tied her up with jump rope and left her in the gym supply closet." You chuckled.

Everyone looked at You in total silence, with an ominous aura of disappointment. Dia pointed at You. "Just. This. Once."

Chika stood up. "Alright! Aqours Special Club Meeting, Number-"

Dia lightly brushed her hair, staring directly into Chika's soul. "Shut up." Chika sat down. Riko entered.

Wait.

"Oh shit, uh, hey... Riko..." Chika slowly sat down.

"Hey." Riko sat down at her usual spot. Everyone was looking at her silently. The only sound in the room was the air conditioner.

"So, uh..." Chika looked down nervously. "Aren't you supposed to... be somewhere?"

Riko shrugged. "No clue. Am I?" Riko looked around. Nobody spoke. Someone coughed twice. Everyone was making subtle eye contact with You, who looked unusually nervous.

"Hey, guys, what's with-"

Riko was interrupted by Hanamaru rushing in with a large cardboard box. "Spur of the moment, have fun, zura!" Maru put the box on the table, and everyone ran out the door.

Riko looked directly at the box in total fear. She wanted to dropkick it, but the thought that it might be a living creature or some kind of gift crossed her mind.

Nah, fuck 'em.

Riko picked up the box, held it before her, and prepared to kick this fucking thing out the window. A small, kind of cute dog plush fell out.

Of course, to Riko, this was the equivalent of a "cute" tarantula plush. Fucking bastards.

Riko ran out of the clubroom, understandably pissed. Everyone else peeked out of a closet.

"...You?"

"...Yeah?"

"Who did you tie up?"

* * *

It had been about ten minutes since the bell rang. Nobody said anything about canceling any clubroom activities, so Riko went there to find it empty. She was now getting on her bus to go home.

About half of Aqours shared the same bus route to and from home. So Riko found it rather strange that their seats were taken by other passengers. She found it especially strange that the others weren't on the bus at all.

Soon enough, Riko found herself getting off the bus and walking to her front door. She kept an eye on the Takami Inn next to her, but it seemed rather uneventful.

Entering her house, Riko quickly ran upstairs, passively noting the absence of her parents. Walking into her room, Riko admired her piano for a few seconds before turning to her bed and-

"Why the fuck is Shiitake in my room?"

Wait.

Riko froze up, slowly looking towards her balcony to find Chika leaning there smugly, holding a leash.

Riko sprinted onto the balcony and slammed the sliding door behind her, going 0-60 so quickly she'd make a McLaren jealous. Shiitake ran up to the door and sat down. Chika barely moved, simply looking at Riko with a mischievous smile.

Riko grabbed Chika's uniform tie and pulled her real close. "I am going to throw both of us off this balcony, and we're going to fucking die, and it's going to be your fault."

"Fine." Chika went over and opened the door, putting the leash on Shiitake. "Expect the unexpected." Chika left, leaving the dog plush from earlier on Riko's bed. In response, Riko grabbed the plush and chucked it off the balcony.

* * *

The next morning, Riko went to the clubroom, only to find an assortment of chew toys. She didn't even enter.

That afternoon, Riko found herself walking down the hallway that led to Yoshiko's apartment unit. It wasn't that far from the elevator.

"Excuse me?"

Riko turned around to see some woman she didn't recognize standing at a unit doorway. "Are you, er, 'Riko'?"

"Um, that's my name." Riko really tried to be polite. "Why are you asking?"

"Some young girls told me to let you hold this for a bit. She said that you love these." The woman turned around and picked up a small, rather cute puppy. It cocked its head as it curiously looked at Riko. "This is my puppy. He's a few years old."

Yet again, Riko froze up. She subconsciously took the puppy from the woman, in an apparent attempt to be polite. "So, u-um..."

"Miss?" The woman looked slightly concerned, but mostly confused. "Are you okay?"

"N-no, no, no... I'm..." Riko uttered shakily. She slowly became reddish as tears began to well in her eyes.

"Oh. Here, I'll take it from you." The woman gently took the puppy from Riko's arms. "You're scared of dogs, huh?"

With that, Riko began crying. Just then, the rest of Aqours came out of Yoshiko's apartment unit. The woman went back in her unit, carrying the puppy.

Kanan and Ruby went over to bring Riko into the apartment. "Oh, don't cry!" Kanan was using her weird motherly instincts again."This was Yoshiko's idea. We'll let you punch her in the nose after this. Sound good?"

Ruby, Kanan, and Riko went past the rest of the group, and Chika followed. Dia gently closed the door and locked it. You looked over to Yoshiko. "That was some vile shit, Yosh."

Yoshiko scoffed. "Your idea was to cut her electricity and lock her in her bathroom with Shiitake for the entire weekend."

You shrugged. "I'm telling you, it'd probably work."

* * *

Eventually, Riko had calmed down, and was sitting on the edge of Yoshiko's bed. The rest of Aqours was around her.

Riko sighed. "You guys are some vile fucks."

"Did you hear what You wanted to do instead?" Yoshiko interjected.

"We're sorry." Dia sat down next to Riko. "We just thought that by doing all that, you would eventually just get used to dogs-"

"Okay, uh, we're not going to get sappy with you, alright?" Mari cut in. "Reach under the bed."

Riko reluctantly reached under the bed. She felt something kind of soft, like a nice new carpet. A kind of weird new carpet. It felt nice, though.

"Look under the bed."

Riko slowly peeked under Yoshiko's bed. Shiitake was lying down under there. Riko looked back up and reevaluated her life up to this point.

"Putting the dog under the bed was my idea," Kanan lowkey bragged. Yoshiko nudged her.

"Wow, you guys. I-I guess it worked." Riko slowly moved to get off the bed, when Shiitake ran out from under her.

Riko froze up again.

Dia got up from the bed. "It didn't work, did it?"

Riko shook her head. "Nope. Not really."

"Shit."

Riko kind of smiled. "But they feel nice, I guess."

Everyone else looked at each other in both joy and moderate disbelief. "I guess that's a win," Kanan remarked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea what im writing anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Twitter: @solar_trash  
> Discord: @AdoTang#9371


End file.
